So it finally happened!
I gathered enough courage to have that all or nothing conversation with my mom. I carried all the hurt with me for twenty years, pretending I was ok. I wasn’t ok. Not at all. You can’t just get over childhood hurts. They live with you and can ruin you if you don’t deal with them and heal your traumatic memories. It’s such a process though… It was easier to get wasted every night and pretend like nothing bothered me…
Anyways, back to that honest conversation. My mom and I set aside a whole day for it because we really didn’t know how long it could take. I was super nervous. Mom didn’t seem nervous at all. I don’t think she expected what was to come. Instead of going off in different directions, I chose to simply read my memoir to her because my thoughts and main points were already organized that way.
Mom listened carefully, and we periodically stopped to discuss what I wrote. Sometimes she would correct me if there was something I misunderstood growing up. Sometimes she would stop to defend my stepdad (as always), and sometimes she would stop in shock to hear about the wrong choices that I had made because I was always a “good, obedient” girl in her eyes.
I appreciated the fact that we didn’t argue. She also told me some private things that I didn’t know and explained some of her actions. She didn’t try to defend herself though. I was quite surprised. She didn’t seem to be much upset either. After hearing me out though, she did say she was sorry for all the hurt, and that she really hoped i would be able to wholeheartedly forgive. I told her that I tried to forgive for a while, but it wasn’t working. I clearly was still angry and wanted to be heard, and it might take some time, but I really wanted to.
I expected a huge sigh of relief on my end, considering that our conversation went unexpectedly well, and I received the apology that I so craved. I did sigh with relief initially because I was literally holding my breath for the whole 5 hours that we talked, but next day, deep depression came on, and it felt like my soul just didn’t know what to do and how to release all that emotional baggage that it carried for years. They say, it gets worse before it gets better, so it really did. I wasn’t drinking any longer so wine wasn’t an option to ease the pain this time. It was hard…
A couple of weeks of that, and I admitted I couldn’t stay that way much longer. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy. My baby didn’t need all that. Healthy mama–healthy baby. I decided it was time to pray about forgiveness towards myself and my parents and start focusing on all the blessings that God showered me with, including the conversation with mom. My soul was utterly confused at first, but with God’s help, it started releasing all the emotional garbage, and I did begin to feel better and better.
I ended up accepting everything that happened in the past and all the feelings that came with it. Even though I still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, I at least don’t struggle with the multitude of other things, including alcohol, and that’s a major win.
Is there anyone that you need to have that one-on-one conversation with? Maybe the time has come. Prepare yourself first though. You might expect the worst, but receive the best, or vice versa. Be ready for either outcome and know what to expect emotionally so you are aware and equipped when it hits you.
It’s better to suffer through the healing process rather than for the rest of your life!
Please comment. I would love to hear about your honest conversations:).
#honestconversation #healingmemories #emotionalsobriety #recovery