5 Hours of Truth (my honest conversation with mom after 20 years!)

So it finally happened!

I gathered enough courage to have that all or nothing conversation with my mom. I carried all the hurt with me for twenty years, pretending I was ok. I wasn’t ok. Not at all. You can’t just get over childhood hurts. They live with you and can ruin you if you don’t deal with them and heal your traumatic memories. It’s such a process though… It was easier to get wasted every night and pretend like nothing bothered me…

Anyways, back to that honest conversation. My mom and I set aside a whole day for it because we really didn’t know how long it could take. I was super nervous. Mom didn’t seem nervous at all. I don’t think she expected what was to come. Instead of going off in different directions, I chose to simply read my memoir to her because my thoughts and main points were already organized that way.

Mom listened carefully, and we periodically stopped to discuss what I wrote. Sometimes she would correct me if there was something I misunderstood growing up. Sometimes she would stop to defend my stepdad (as always), and sometimes she would stop in shock to hear about the wrong choices that I had made because I was always a “good, obedient” girl in her eyes.

I appreciated the fact that we didn’t argue. She also told me some private things that I didn’t know and explained some of her actions. She didn’t try to defend herself though. I was quite surprised. She didn’t seem to be much upset either. After hearing me out though, she did say she was sorry for all the hurt, and that she really hoped i would be able to wholeheartedly forgive. I told her that I tried to forgive for a while, but it wasn’t working. I clearly was still angry and wanted to be heard, and it might take some time, but I really wanted to.

I expected a huge sigh of relief on my end, considering that our conversation went unexpectedly well, and I received the apology that I so craved. I did sigh with relief initially because I was literally holding my breath for the whole 5 hours that we talked, but next day, deep depression came on, and it felt like my soul just didn’t know what to do and how to release all that emotional baggage that it carried for years. They say, it gets worse before it gets better, so it really did. I wasn’t drinking any longer so wine wasn’t an option to ease the pain this time. It was hard…

A couple of weeks of that, and I admitted I couldn’t stay that way much longer. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy. My baby didn’t need all that. Healthy mama–healthy baby. I decided it was time to pray about forgiveness towards myself and my parents and start focusing on all the blessings that God showered me with, including the conversation with mom. My soul was utterly confused at first, but with God’s help, it started releasing all the emotional garbage, and I did begin to feel better and better.

I ended up accepting everything that happened in the past and all the feelings that came with it. Even though I still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, I at least don’t struggle with the multitude of other things, including alcohol, and that’s a major win.

Is there anyone that you need to have that one-on-one conversation with? Maybe the time has come. Prepare yourself first though. You might expect the worst, but receive the best, or vice versa. Be ready for either outcome and know what to expect emotionally so you are aware and equipped when it hits you.

It’s better to suffer through the healing process rather than for the rest of your life!

God bless!

Please comment. I would love to hear about your honest conversations:).

#honestconversation #healingmemories #emotionalsobriety #recovery

By UNSTUCK

Author of Rocky Road to Recovery self-help memoir. Integrative Nutrition Health Coach.

5 comments

  1. Wow this is really powerful and I commend you for even having g the courage to do this! I wouldn’t say thay me and my mum had a conversation this deep but I definitely had the appreciation chat with her after I had my son! There is something about being a parent that makes you see your own parents and childhood in a different light. I think its really important to have these type of conversations as it closes gaps that we feel we have or didn’t even realise we had! Thank you for sharing your story x

  2. Yes, I agree. I really think that without that conversation the gap would either stay the same or grow even wider. I definitely didn’t want that. I also think it’s important to show our own children that honest communication is important for our emotional and mental health. Thank you for reading:)!

  3. I did go through my clarification about my childhood with my mom when I was your age. That age when we are strong enough to talk about our hurts honestly without urgency to please,and mom not old yet, so she can handle it. (My son did it to me too, again in his 30-s. ) it was not good at the time, mom left and I didn’t see her for few winters, but sweet lying was gone fore good. Never after I hear storytelling about my father’s love. Finely after year we restore mom-daughter relationship, but father was not part of our story. Then I had my time to heal my feelings toward to desisted father. And this was real! I still do. He passed away in 1988 and he is defenceless now and still haunts in my sons befaivior. Or may be easy to blame dad rather myself in raising him that way? Anyway sometime I yelled to my father as used to in my teens age. He doesn’t answer, not arguing, but I cannot have peace. I guess I am stuck!

    1. Wow! Thank you for sharing this. That’s another reason I decided to finally have that talk. I knew that if I didn’t, I would live for the rest of my life with “what ifs”. Mom said the same thing. She was glad I decided not to carry the hurt with me and be honest with her instead of pretending like everything was good between us. I can’t say I am completely healed or even forgave yet, but it does feel like a huge load was taken off my soul. Time will tell, I guess. And also, we tend to pass our family’s dysfunction to our children because we haven’t dealt with our personal issues, which is not fair for our kids. That’s exactly why, once I had my son, I decided to take my healing seriously. There is still plenty to work on. I’m glad I didn’t wait till he is older to start though:). Now I’m expecting a daughter and it just adds this whole new meaning to everything!

  4. This is wonderful! I’m glad you were able to release everything in this way. It goes a lot easier when the other person isn’t trying to defend themselves or others.

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